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(हिन्दी संस्करण जल्द ही अपलोड होगा) |
Parents’ General Problems & QuestionsWritten below are brief suggestions/ solutions to the questions that parents frequently ask me. These suggestions are for parents and teachers to handle a normal child with no ailment or learning disorders. In case of any learning disorder or ailment please consult the concerned consultant. Questions parents usually ask about their child’s feeding habits-1- My child takes very little food. What should I do? This problem is reported by majority of the mothers of young children. And most of the times it is an unfounded worry. Parents should first assess the following- – Is child’s weight normal to his age? – Is child’s height normal to his age? – Does the child remain active and agile? If answer is ‘no’ to any of these questions then consult your doctor. If the answer of the above questions is ‘yes’, then in all probability the amount of food your child is taking is enough for him/her. If he is overweight then he is taking more calories than required and besides that the food type may be inappropriate. For right diet chart read chapter on nutrition. 2- My child is choosy about foods. Suggestions- Parents have to find first whether the food their child is consuming is balanced (i.e. having all nutrients in required quantity) and healthy or not. If child has options, he chooses the food of his liking out of available choices. Some children are very choosy while others may be quite voracious. Flavor (generally we call ‘taste’.) depends on many factors like chemical composition, texture, grain size, touch, color, smell, temperature and appearance of the food served. All our senses e.g. taste buds, eye sight, smell touch & temperature sensors, etc. contributein the flavor of a food. Some foods trigger brain reward system more that sparks release of more ‘dopamine’, a hormone that makes one happy. In some children it is so strong a reward system as compared to their inhibitions to resist the temptation of dopamine. Other personality attributes like stubbornness, degree of obedience etc. also play a role. Parents need to pay heed to the following- a- Avoid very sharp taste & highly processed food items frequently making available to the child at young age. If he experiences sharp tastes quite frequently, it becomes difficult to develop taste for placid taste food items. b- Cook food in a way, without compromising the quality, so that it becomes palatable/ acceptable to the child. c- A nutritious food item, that is not acceptable to the child, should be given in the starting in small amounts. The quantity may be increased to optimum as taste develops for it. d- It takes time for a child to develop taste for most of the foods. e- The effect of a food item on his health, both good & bad, should be explained to the child in easy to understand way. If your child is habitual of consuming foods bad for health, you should gradually decrease the number of times he consumes that in a week replacing that with healthy foods. Taking fast foods or junk foods twice a week may not be harmful if child’s weight is normal, his usual diet is healthy & nutritious and he follows a regular recommended exercise schedule. The problem aggravates with the children handled with permissive treatment. Frequently asked questions about behavior issues-1- My child is very naughty. 2- The child does not obey me. 3- My behavior teachings have no effect on him. 4- The child does not listen to me. A child’s learning from the environment disciplines him. If he is quite naughty then it is a matter of concern. This is usually the case with a child receiving permissive or uninvolved parenting. Behavior gets more complicated when contrasting treatment/ instructions are given by the parents or by school and parents. Suggestions – Follow the following steps. 1- Spend enough time with your child to educate him about proper behavior. 2- Be firm in your behavior and other teachings, but do not punish, rebuke, humiliate or ill-treat him. 3- Do not accept his irrational or unjustified demands. 4- Ensure similar teachings/ treatment by all family members. 5- Teach him why an act is good or bad i.e. Make him aware about the consequences or result of the naughty or undisciplined act with simplicity and honesty. 6- Do not just dictate orders. Teach him how to take everyday decisions and make him emotionally tough to execute his decisions. 7- Do not try to over control your child. 8- Make the child feel your love for him. But at the same time he must realize that you won’t approve his misbehavior or misdeeds. Have patience. Be regular and persistent in your behavior teachings. It may take years to learn right decision making and develop emotional intelligence for its execution. No two individuals are alike. Some can be disciplined with little effort while others may require a lot of over a prolonged time. Explanation- At young age our actions are mainly guided by emotions. Reasoning develops later. A child has little experience hence maturity. He has instinct to learn by experimentation. So he executes many acts instinctively. If instant result of an act appeases his emotions, he is more likely to repeat that act. A child has neither experience nor knowledge and reasoning to calculate the long term results. His acts are initially mainly driven by the instinct to experiment and his likes/ dislikes for instant results of that act (emotional satiety/ trauma). If his brain perceives the result of his act as a reward, dopamine (a neurotransmitter) is released. That prompts him to do that act again. As the child grows, his energy as well as number of emotions increase. This drives him more to experiment. Besides that his knowledge pool (learnt through personal experiences and formal and informal teachings) and analysis also enhance. The rate of increase in intensity of first two factors surpasses the intensity of last two factors during the initial years of childhood. That is why usually a child becomes more naughty with increase in age initially (usually this age is 5 to 7 years for a normal child handled properly). After that as his emotional intelligence improves reverse happens i.e. a child starts improving his behavior. The rate of behavior improvement depends on a number of factors that contribute in development of his emotional intelligence. Even for the adults it is easier to see instant results more vividly then to calculate long term effects of an act. Therefore in response to undisciplined act, majority believes ( particularly authoritarian and authoritative parents) in treating their child in a way that causes some sort of emotional trauma to him that should outweigh the effect of emotional satiety caused to the child by his mischievous act. Many a times it is simply a reactionary response by the parents. In such a case, parents need to work on enhancement of their own emotional intelligence. Parents are advised to refrain from meting out the following treatment. 1- Authoritarian or oppressive. 2- Permissive or blind-emotional. 3- Uninvolved or negligent. Parents should also avoid contradictory teachings, be those by the same or different family members/ handlers. Parents should work on improvement of child’s decision- making and strengthening of his will for its execution. 4- Do not make false promises or threat falsely. 5- Do not negatively criticize your child. Do not either praise him as he is exceptional. We can do the following for child’s right personality structuring- 1- Enhancing rate of enrichment of relevant factual knowledge and fortifying it. 2- Teaching how to take better decisions. (Improvement in thought process by developing analysis and reasoning) 3- Enhancing emotional intelligence. Student should be taught to be aware about his various emotions, others emotions and then how to express or control them for the well being of all. Or how to take right decisions and then how to become emotionally strong enough to execute those decisions. These teachings should be simple to understand for the child. If your child is hyper active, doesn’t keep sitting as other children do, cannot focus on anything for normal duration, commits silly mistakes and losses things frequently then consult clinical child psychologist to rule out ADHD (attention deficit hyper activity disorder). Usually this is detected at the age of around 6 years or later. Parenting suggestions- – Is your parenting permissive or uninvolved? If yes then change that. – Explain well what you want him to do. – If he feels your advice/ order/ suggestion are not to his liking or wrong or do not satiate his reasoning, give necessary explanation. If you are wrong then accept that and do not force your child to do that particular act. But be sure that the child respects you because of your love and care for him and not for his dependency on you. – If he is not listening to you just because he does not give weight to your words then you have to put efforts to find out why he has such image about you. By having understanding of your child’s view point you can have right approach to counsel your child to change his image about you. – Be strict but not rude, if you find your child not following your directions despite your explanation, in getting your order followed. – Do not dictate his all acts. Let him have his choice about issues of not much importance. – The child should be taught to follow authority after reason-explanation. 5- The child has temper-tantrums. Explanation- Read the answer of Q-1 first. Some children are much more irritable. This problem is aggravated by permissive and irrational or contradictory behavior of parents. Parents should look for some other family member who is short tempered or irritable and correct his behavior first. But possibility of it in the children handled by parents with other parenting styles also cannot be ruled out. Parents have to be firm in their teachings particularly if the child intentionally or habitually misbehaves or ignores instructions. Realize the difference between being suppressive and being firm. 6- Child is very stubborn. Suggestions- If one family member accepts/ fulfils child’s demand after it has been turned down by someone else in the family or after persistent demand of the child, he may become more stubborn. Remember no two children are alike. So different behavior teaching intensity and frequency are required to discipline different children. Suggestions (5,6 & 7)- read suggestions for question 1. The cause should be searched in the environment. In all probability the child is not being treated rightly. A child demands a thing or liberty to do something that might be initially denied by the handler/ parents, but provided by one parent or other or other family member when the child insists. Another common reason is contrasting treatments meted out by different handlers/ parents. The suppressive and blind emotional treatment may also be responsible for it.This prompts the child to be stubborn and aggravates temper-tantrums. No two individuals are alike. Different intensity, frequency and time duration of behavior teachings are required to discipline a child. Keep your composure and firmly follow behavior teaching regime. Do not overprotect, ignore or suppress your child. Do not bow to or give a nod to your child’s misbehavior. Be firm but not harsh. 7- Child does not take interest in studies. 8- His handwriting is very poor. Suggestions (8 & 9)- Academics must never be presented as burden or something insipid. Talk about the beauty of learning and how that may be enjoyed. Discuss with him quite often how learning makes life colorful and enjoyable. If a child sometimes writes nicely and sometimes not, then his bad handwriting may be due to his mood swings, carelessness or faster speed of writing to quickly finish his homework. He may be in a hurry to watch his favorite TV show or to go out and play or having some such other reason. But if always it is poor he might not have developed it properly. Handwriting is a fine motor skill. It is to be taught like other skills. Procedural steps are important for best output in any skill work. Teaching a skill hence demands finer procedural demonstrations and repeated practice. Look at the following technical details of your child’s writings. 1- Stroke order. 2- Pen lifts. 3- Pen hold. 4- Font. 5- Writing speed. 6- Letter design. Right stroke order with appropriate pen-lifts and easier font selection helps maintaining legibility at higher speeds. Many writers find it difficult to maintain legibility writing most of cursive letters as they write speedier. Psychological reasons- Child might not be taking interest in writing or academics in general. Parents need to rule out that image of studies should not be projected as a burden or obligation. No ill-treatment or punishments should be associated with studies. Child should be happily taught about benefits of studies and it should be portrayed as a beautiful, charming and happy activity. Some students writing skill do not develop as nicely. Parents should realize a child’s potential. Child must not be mistreated for it. He should be praised and encouraged on any improvement but not falsely. 9- He takes more interest in sports/ T.V. 10-Why does my child not wish me in the morning? 11-He feels shy interacting with strangers. 12-He conceals information. 13-Why does my child tell lies?
Ans to 13 & 14- Generally a child conceals facts for the fear of punishment. This happens more with the children handled with authoritarian, uninvolved or authoritative parenting styles. Rule out the possibility of fear of punishment in the child. a- Most of the times a child learns to tell a lie in anticipation of either getting a reward or preventing a loss/ punishment. Sometimes he is tutored to do so or he learns from listening to others telling lies. b- Someone close to the child e.g. a family member or a friend, is habitual of telling lies or causing sense of fear in him. c- You might be believing your ward blindly. d- Find out the reasons and work on those. Make your child realize that telling you the truth won’t attract punishments instead it will help him. If he continues telling lies frequently, he may get habituated to such an extent that he may tell lies without any obvious reason. If a child has been telling lies for a long time, it may take a long time to rectify this habit 14-He watches T.V. for long hours. Most of the things have good as well as bad aspect. A child should be taught how to use something and avoid the misuse. Watching TV for long hours obviously cuts short the time needed for other activities like sports, studies etc. Explain it to the child and first persuade. If he fails to control himself you start 15-He is very irritable. 16-He speaks slangs. 17-He uses abusive language. 18-The child fondles with his private parts. This habit usually appears in some children around 2 years of age. Keep yourself calm and relaxed. Do not pay much heed to it. It spontaneously disappears around age of five to 7 years. 19-He destroys his belongings and surroundings. 20-He is very aggressive and quarrelsome. 21-My child cannot sit quietly even for a few minutes. Children have high energy level. This energy makes them learn life skills. Some children are hyper-active. Make arrangements for physical activities demanding high energy. You may keep a slide, wall climbing, basketball etc. in your house. Two hours may be earmarked for outdoor sports/ games like tennis, cricket, football etc. 22-He lacks confidence. 23-My child can be fooled by anybody. 24-My child is not smart. Suggestions (23, 24, 25) Take him on social visits and to market frequently. Instead of criticizing tell him how to act and react. Make him talk to shopkeepers and make deals and payments. Keep a watch how he talks, behaves and acts. Make necessary suggestions with encouragement. 25-He sucks/ chews thumb/ objects. 26-Should I ask my child to do my personal work? 27-Should a child be made to do menial tasks? 28-At what age should a child be educated about sex? 29-How can we save our culture in our kids? 30-Why should a child not be punished? 31-Which school is a better choice for a girl child, a girl school or a co-ed one? 32-How long should my child watch TV? Ans- A school child may watch one hour to two hours a day on an average. 33-Is it harmful for a child to watch TV? Ans- As it is with other things, it has harms as well as benefits. Following are the main harms- a- Puts strain on eye-sight. b- Cuts on physical activities. c- May spoil studies. d- A child may imitate/ learn bad behavior/ acts shown in tv. e- May thwart/ distort brain development if he watches highly emotional or religious or irrational shows. Benefits- a- It is a very effective means of learning. b- Socialization becomes easier. c- Certain TV shows help in faster development of intelligence and wisdom. d- It makes one smarter. Parents should choose right TV shows and right duration for their ward so that he is benefitted more than harmed. If he learns something bad, corrections should be made. Ban on watching TV is never advisable. Like many other things parents should teach its use and not the misuse. 34 Which TV programs/ serials should my child watch? Ans- Shows idolizing irrational/ excessive emotions, hatred, treachery, bigotry, unfounded notions, beliefs, crime and faith in supernatural powers should not be watched unless child is taught well about these and gets enough maturity. Even after getting enough maturity such shows either not to be watched at all or may be watched occasionally. A child may watch science, history, healthy entertainment and sports programs. 35-Should my child take tuitions? Ans- Two steps/ phases are important for better and faster learning- A Teaching. B Independent self-learning. A text is to be taught and explained to the child by the teacher at the first step and then the related questions/ text are to be learnt independently by the child. Independent self learning is crucial in child’s performance in higher classes. It brings about wisdom and discipline faster. Taking tuitions may harm it. Problems of adolescent children. 1- At what age should a child be educated about sex? Ans- Sex knowledge is essential for all children. Learning a knowledge has social, psychological and emotional impacts too. Many times knowledge may be misused. Nothing in the world is all bad or all good. The knowledge that has deep impact on any of these aspects is to be taught with better planning. At present in our society a child learns most part of the social and psychological aspect of sex education at his own through the sources available to him. These sources are usually media, society and surroundings. Knowledge acquired like this is haphazard, inadequate and quite distorted hence more likely to have harmful effects on the child. So it is important to impart it formally. A child is dressed, interacted and treated according to his/her gender from birth. This is usually not considered sex education. It is the knowledge of morphology and functioning of male and female reproductive systems and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) that is usually considered sex knowledge. Besides biological aspect social, psychological and emotional aspects of sexuality should also be taught. Gender difference should be taught from very beginning. I recommend teachings in the following order and age of a child. Child’s Age Teachings 1- From about 6 or 7 years of age- What are emotional or psychological differences in a boy and a girl with the functions 2- 7 to 8 years of age- Importance of variations in living beings in survival of a race. 3- 8-10 yrs – Evolutionary history of living beings. Importance of reproduction. 4- 10-12 years of age. How sexual reproduction evolved, its significance, advantages and disadvantages. Meaning of gender equality and respect for opposite sex. Role of male and female in human society. 5- 12 to 14 years- Knowledge of morphology and functioning of male and female reproductive systems and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), Puberty, Hormonal changes in boys and girls, Effects of those changes and purpose, Usual physiological, behavior, emotional changes associated with adolescence, How to cope up with these changes, STD s, Use of contraceptives, Norms and values related to sexual behavior of a boy and girl in their society, Problems to be handled
2- My child remains mentally lost. 3- His performance in studies is going down day by day. 4- He keeps his room closed and takes long time to open after being knocked. 5- My child spends too much time on social media. 6- He has become irritable and irresistible. 7- He has minimized interaction with parents. 8- He has become very aggressive. 9- He has become arrogant. 10- He has become a ring leader/ member of a gang. 11- My child smokes. 12- He drinks/ takes drugs. 13- My child watches porn. 14- Is ejaculation during sleep an ailment? 15- Is masturbation harmful? 16- My child takes a lot of interest in opposite sex. 17- How can a child get hold on his sexual urge? 18- Is sexual urge a hindrance in studies? 19- A child is obsessed with erotic ideas. 20- Which school is a better choice for a girl child, a girl school or a co-ed one? 21- How does watching porn harm a child? 22- Is it bad to have erotic ideas? 23- What are STDs? What are the preventive measures? 24- Can doing certain exercises rupture hymen? Common behavior problems and their solutions. 1- A child is disobedient. Degree of obedience or disobedience, like other traits, varies from person to person, be that of any age. A child’s activity is the result more of his emotion-dictated decision then reasoning based one. A child does not have mental faculties developed enough to calculate or realize long term results of his deeds. He sees only the immediate satisfaction of his wishes hence acts accordingly. The emotions e.g. likes, dislikes, hatred, love, faith, fear etc. &memories of his past experiences collectively contribute in deciding one’s actions. A child has strong emotions and some experience of short term results of his deeds. (Depending on the age and environment of the child.) Practically he may have no experience of long term results of his acts. So, his actions/ decisions are mainly the consequence of his emotions and his memories of experiences of immediate results of his past deeds, if he has any.He does acts according to his emotions. Two factors are mainly responsible to enhance maturity level in behavior/ acts- 1- Taking right decision- Better foresight helps in taking better decisions. More knowledge and better analysis helps in realizing it. 2- Acting according to the decision- To act according to a decision control on emotions is usually required. A decision led control on emotions is a skill. As all other skills do, it also takes time to develop. Being a skill, practice betters it. Developing both the above are long term processes. Question arises what may be done till the child acquires that maturity level? Flaring the emotions up apparently seems the most effective solution. One may enrich the child’s memories of experiences so that it deters a child from doing the prohibited act or forces to comply with the orders. For example, one may punish a child on his order violations, to arouse the emotions of fear in the child. The child will then have the experience- memories that on order violation he shall be punished. This fear factor thus aroused may force the child to obey the orders of that person. Now another question pops up. Is this sort of experience-memory a knowledge enrichment worth to help the child in getting maturity? This, in all probability, may wayward a child’s reasoning. A child may relate his act with the punishment and punisher only instead of its real result. The child may also well conclude that – 1- If the false information reaches to the punisher I would evade punishment. 2- If punisher is absent, why I should abide by as I am not going to receive any punishment. This experience-memory in some way may lead to pseudo-reasoning. This rattles the decision making, resulting in delaying mental maturity. \ What may be done to make a child obedient? 1- Tell about the result of violation of your instructions in a way comprehensible to the child. |
हिन्दी संस्करण जल्द ही अपलोड होगा |